I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
