im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?