I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?