Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
