Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
