So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
