tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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