I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
