He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
