We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
