I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
