Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
