So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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