1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
