So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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