I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
