So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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