If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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