the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
