Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
