That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
