i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
