I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize