god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
