There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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