my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
