Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
