I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
