I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i barfeds in our rink
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
