So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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