I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
