no, he came in my armpit
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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