I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
