If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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