If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.