I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
organizing the empties. That sober.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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