it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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