i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize