I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
