using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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