I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
