i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
