I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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