Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
