i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
