You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
is that a dick in a sweater?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
