I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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