when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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