I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
