Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
