I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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