He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
