No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
