Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
