Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
