Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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