You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize